A year ago today, I woke up at 5am. There was no particularly good reason for me to wake up that early; I was in my second week of unemployment after being laid off at the bank. But I did. And I got up and took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. I think I managed to resist the urge to wake Morgan up at that hour (or he resisted my nudging attempts to wake him up before his alarm went off). I told Pace that he was going to be a dog. And I started trying to imagine what it would be like to be some kid's mom.
People have asked me if being a mom is what I imagined it would be, or if Jasper is like what I thought he would be like. Truthfully, I hadn't thought much about what he would be like, or what we would be like, at this age. When I imagined him, I pictured him older, a toddler at least, because that's what I had more experience with. I'd never held a newborn before the nurses put Jasper in my arms the day he was born. But if I'd tried to imagine what it would be like, I would have failed. I couldn't have imagined how exciting it is to see who he is each day, as he grows and develops, or how happy one of his smiles makes me. Or the pure comfort of having him fall asleep on my chest, head tucked under my chin. I never could have known that the weight of his body in my arms would make me want to cry sometimes because it is so very right.